


All I Ask

by Manalyzer



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst, F/M, Goodbye Sex, Heavy Angst, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, More angst, but enjoy anyway, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-23
Updated: 2019-02-23
Packaged: 2019-11-04 10:19:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17896607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Manalyzer/pseuds/Manalyzer
Summary: "If this is my last night with youHold me like I'm more than just a friendGive me a memory I can useTake me by the hand while we do what lovers doIt matters how this ends'Cause what if I never love again?"- All I ask  by AdeleInspired by the amazing song by Adele and the VAMB Song Challenge 2019.





	All I Ask

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to the amazing purpledog and Bizarra for reading this and helping me polish it off a bit! You guys are the best!!

All I Ask

If this is my last night with you  
Hold me like I'm more than just a friend  
Give me a memory I can use  
Take me by the hand while we do what lovers do  
It matters how this ends  
'Cause what if I never love again?  
All I ask by Adele

 

-/\\-

It's been almost a decade since she got them all lost in this godforsaken quadrant. In all that time, she’d never felt quite as desolate as she does tonight. Tomorrow is a big day, and she’s not looking forward to it, at all. As a matter of fact, her stomach has been in knots for weeks, ever since she’d been approached to perform the ceremony. Of course, she wasn’t naive, she knew full well that it had been coming. It still took her breath away when he finally came to her. 

However, tonight she wasn’t going to think about that; about tomorrow. Tonight was for memories, for drowning sorrows, for absolution, and ultimately for moving on. When she returned to her quarters earlier, she’d promptly put the Captain away for the evening, and had decided to let Kathryn out one last time. Possibly the last time for a very long time. 

He’d be there any minute. She’d called him to her quarters a few minutes ago after she’d replicated a nice vintage and changed out of her uniform into a soft cashmere tunic and leggings. She’d forgone their long forgotten dinner set up, and chosen just wine and soft music. Sitting on her couch, she listened to the gentle tinkle of the piano and closed her eyes. She wasn’t sure she should really be doing this, but the thought of not doing so burned her heart more than the idea of going through with it.

Her reflections were interrupted by the sound of her door chime, and her heartbeat quickened, like a delicate bird against the ivory cage of her ribs. Secretly she longed for the days of him walking in with purpose, as if he belonged there as much as his own quarters. However, it had been years since that had last happened. It had slipped by her so quietly that she hadn’t realized it until it was long in the past; hadn’t taken the moment to honor the final time. Until now she couldn’t remember when that even was. No longer did he stroll in unannounced, a smile on his face, dimples deep in his cheeks. No. Honestly, she couldn’t even remember the last time he’d even been to her quarters. 

Her door chimed again and suddenly her plan didn’t seem like such a great idea. Still, she found herself calling out for him to enter as she poured wine in each of the glasses, trying to calm the rapid beating of her heart, and quell the slight tremor of her hands.

He entered, looking a little confused. And why shouldn’t he? It wasn’t often she called him during their off hours, and even rarer did she call him to come to her quarters. Damn, this was really a bad idea. 

Biting her lip, she stood up fully and offered him a glass of wine, tightening her muscles to dissuade the shuddering of her arm. 

He pulled on his earlobe while eyeing the glass. “What’s this, Captain?” 

She sighed. “Kathryn, please Chakotay. For tonight, please just Kathryn.” Her voice was weary, and she shook her head slightly, hoping he didn’t see the slight quiver in her outstretched arm. 

He took a step towards her, and accepted the glass. “Kathryn,” he said.The word tangling on his tongue as if he hadn’t said it for a long time. He hadn’t. “What’s this about?” He looked down at his wine and twirled the glass between his fingers. She watched and her mouth went dry. She swallowed hard and moved to the couch, holding her arm out in invitation. 

“I figured this was your last night as a free man, and I wanted to spend it with you,” she said as he took a seat in the chair beside her couch. He didn’t relax into like he always had, but instead perched on the edge, looking every bit like an animal ready to dart out the door at any moment. 

He looked at her; his eyebrows drawing together in confusion, or consternation, she really couldn’t be sure. “That’s nice, Kathryn, but Seven is waiting for me back in our quarters. I really should be going.” He set the glass down and went to stand up. Her hand shot out and grabbed hold of his arm, halting him. 

“Don't,” she whispered. “Please don’t go.” Try as she might, she couldn’t stop the prickle behind her eyes from causing tears to well up in them. Blinking furiously, she tried to keep them at bay, but failed as one trickled down the slope of her cheek.

His face softened at that, and he sat back down, placing his hand on hers and massaging it gently. After a moment, he touched his combadge “Chakotay to Seven of Nine.” 

“Go ahead, Chakotay,” came the softened reply. She really had to hand it to him, if nothing else, he’d brought out the softer, gentler side of the ex-drone. 

“The Captain needs me for a while, so I won’t be back for a bit. Why don’t you go regenerate for a few hours and I’ll see you later.” Chakotay’s eyes never left Kathryn’s and she felt her face grow hot under his gaze, embarrassment coloring her cheeks as she was privy to such a private moment. 

“Acceptable. I will see you soon. I,” she paused. “I love you.” 

He smiled slightly, “I love you too. Chakotay out.” 

Kathryn’s heart had all but stopped at that final declaration. This was a horrible idea. She really should just ask him to leave. Her brain was crying out to her, rationalizing why she needed to just let him go. Her heart, however, was a completely different story. It cried out, but in pain, in need. 

Swallowing the thickness that had suddenly appeared in her throat, she took a long swig of her wine. Emptying the glass, she set it down on the table. She leaned forward, and rested her face in her hands. Taking a deep breath, she let the oxygen fill her lungs, and concentrated on her heart rate. Finally, her heart seemed to have started working again, and she looked up to him. He was looking at her, his face void of any expression. He bent to grab his glass of wine and set back into the chair fully, relaxing slightly. Raising the glass to his lips, she watched as he took a sip, his tongue darting out to lick the remainder of the wine from the rim of the glass. There went her heart again. 

Clearing her throat, she sat up again, fully. Leaning back against the cushion, she rested her arm against the back of the couch, catching her head so it rested against her hand. She tried to calm the flutter she felt in her stomach, and instead appear as nonchalant as she could. The silence stretched between them as they sat together, staring at each other. 

Finally, she couldn’t take the silence any longer and said the first thing that came to mind. “So, tomorrow is the big day. How are you feeling?” Damn, why did that have to come to mind? That was the last thing she actually wanted to talk about.

He heaved in a great sigh and ran his hand through his hair. He’d started to let it go gray again, and she couldn’t stop herself from watching as the silver strands picked up the light from the room, making his hair seem to shimmer. “I am feeling… nervous. Anxious. Excited. Any number of emotions. You name it, I’m probably feeling it.” He chuckled softly and dropped his hand to his lap. 

He looked so at ease now, so perfectly poised against the chair. His eyes glimmering, his skin glowing, his perfect white teeth peeking from behind his stretched lips. It was just all too much. She couldn’t take it anymore. 

“I love you, Chakotay,” she whispered. 

Suddenly, everything went still. It was if the very air from their lungs had been sucked out of them; the room stood silent. He was stone. Her ears filled with a dull roar as she felt her blood start rushing quickly through her head. Way to just blurt it out there. 

“You what?” His voice was low, almost too low, and it took her a moment to understand he’d actually said anything. 

Well, she’d already started it. Might as well continue. 

“I love you,” she repeated, her eyes never leaving his face. 

“Why,” he croaked. “Why are you telling me this now?” He stood quickly, pacing in front of her. Back and forth, back and forth. A metronome guiding the tempo of her heart.

“It's my last night,” she said, automatically reaching up to finger her combadge, only belatedly realizing she wasn’t wearing it. Her hand traveled to her clavicle and rubbed absently against the bones that seemed to be more prevalent these days than previously. She could feel her face redden as his gaze tracked across her cheek and down to watch her fingers play against her collar. She continued, “I won’t have any other time to tell you. And Chakotay, I need you to know, before you do this, exactly how I feel.” 

He stopped pacing and stared at her. She heard him swallow and watched as his adam’s apple bobbed against the turtleneck hugging his collar. He stayed silent. 

“This doesn’t change anything, I know.” She stood and took a tentative step towards him, waiting for him to step away. He didn’t, so she took another. “I just couldn’t let you go through with it, without ever hearing me say the words. I love you, Chakotay. I’ve loved you for as long as I can remember. Possibly since the first moment I met you. Perhaps before then. Maybe I’ve always loved you even when I didn’t know you. I don’t know. All I do know, is I needed to tell you before I couldn’t. I need you to understand, just how I feel for you.” 

She took a deep breath and brought her hand up to his chest; a gesture so forgotten that both of them shuddered at the feeling. They both looked down and watched as her thumb moved across his chest as if it had a mind of its own. He brought his hand up to capture hers, his fingers intertwining with hers. 

“Kathryn, I’m marrying Seven, tomorrow,” he whispered, his voice thick with emotion. 

Her eyes slipped closed as she concentrated on the feeling of his warm hand encircling hers. Her chest felt heavy, her breathing coming in short bursts. 

“I know,” she replied. “I know, that tomorrow everything will change. I just,” she paused as a sob welled up in her throat. She fought it back, swallowing it down. “I just needed you to know. I need you to hold me, tonight. Just once. I know that we can never be anything more than this, and honestly, I want you to be happy. I can’t, though, I can’t imagine you marrying her,never knowing how I feel, what I want.” Her sob broke through then. 

She felt him move then and his arms gathered her up against his chest. His warm breath moved her hair against her face, and she burrowed into his chest more as she tried to calm the eruption of emotion that was stirring just below the surface. 

“Oh, Kathryn,” he breathed against her hair, “I wish you had told me sooner.” 

She shook her head, her hair catching against his combadge, and pulling slightly. “I couldn’t. You know that as much as I do. It wasn’t even really about protocol. I just couldn’t. But I can’t let you go without you knowing.” 

His hands rubbed against her back, and then slowly made their way up her arms and shoulders, to finally rest against her cheeks. She moved back as his hands pushed against her to tilt her face up to him. “Kathryn, I love you too. I want you to know that. Oh, I love you.” Her eyes slipped shut as he leaned in slightly and her breath stuttered as she felt his lips gently land on her forehead. His thumbs were rubbing gently against her cheeks, wiping against the tears that continued to fall from her eyes. 

She opened her eyes to look at him as he stepped back from her, his hands still caressing her cheeks. Her gaze widened and she gasped as he moved in, his lips inching towards hers. As their softness finally made contact against hers, her eyes slipped shut and she drew in a shaky breath. Her hands, which had been squished between their chests, moved to surround his neck, bringing him closer against her. He hummed against her lips, and she answered by opening to him, feeling his tongue mingle with hers. The kiss was unhurried; a slow exploration a decade in the making. In many instances in the past, she’d imagined what their first kiss could be like. In some fantasies, it was slow and sensual, peppered with pleasured moans and sweet pecks. In others, it was passion fueled where teeth clashed and tongues fought as they fell into each other completely. As the years wore on, those fantasies had all but shriveled up and fallen like a leaf in late autumn, crumpled on the ground of her dreams she knew would go unrealized. Never had she believed their first kiss, would indeed be their last, marked by tears and torment and wonder at what could have been had things been different. If perhaps only she had been different. 

She could taste the salt of her tears, and realized she wasn't the only one crying. Leaning back, she opened her eyes to fix her gaze on his beautiful face. The face that had launched a thousand fantasies, a million desires that she’d allowed herself to explore only within the privacy of her mind, and only on occasion. She had always been drawn to him, his eyes, his lips, his cheeks. The first time he’d blushed and tugged on his earlobe, she’d almost had to stop herself from leaning in and pressing her lips against it. Now, she just studied him, tracing the contours her eyes had spent years mapping. She allowed herself to finally bring her hand to his cheek and run her nail down his jaw line. To reach up and trace his tattoo ever so slightly, reverently; a benediction to his ancestors as well as the man in front of her. Her hand followed the lines into his hair, and down his ear to gently tug his lobe, before finally crossing his cheek to his mouth. She felt his lips push against her fingers, and looked back upward to see him gazing at her, his eyes glistening with unshed tears. 

Unable to keep herself away, she pressed her lips against his once more, her fingers tracing his cheeks, around, to nestle in the hair at the nape of his neck. He pulled her close and she could feel his arousal as her belly pressed into him. A sudden rush of heat shot through her, even as more tears burned against her eyes. She moved as he pushed against her, stumbling across the floor until they reached the threshold of her bedroom. Her mind screamed at her, that this was as far as she should go, but the battle was lost as her heart and body answered his final call. If this was indeed to be her last night, she wasn’t going to allow herself to think like the Captain. Instead, she would be Kathryn. His Kathryn, only his, as she’d always been.

They reached the bed and fell back against it, landing side by side. His arms moved back around her, and she shuddered as his fingers moved up under her tunic, chasing goosebumps up her belly and sides as he lifted the shirt over her head. Her fingers trembled as they pushed his jacket off his shoulders and pulled the turtleneck away from his chest, leaving him finally, gloriously bare against her roaming hands. She traced the pathways of his muscles as they contracted against her journey. Finally, her hands reached the waistband of his pants, and she pulled the fastener down, feeling her finger brush against him. She felt him jerk in response, and was suddenly pushed onto her back as he moved over her, his lips crashing back onto hers. They were ignited, then. If their earlier kisses had been a tortuous goodbye, this was a fervent plea of desperation. His hands slipped under her leggings and pushed them down her legs, along with her underwear, as hers answered his longing by doing the same with his pants. His hands moved back up, and around her back to pull the bra from her body, and she moved her arms to sling the garment away from her. 

Her breath caught in her throat at the first touch of his lips to her nipple. His tongue circled her, and then he bit down, drawing a long groan from her as she arched up into him. He moved to christen her other breast and she pulled against him, to bring him back to her mouth. Her hands traveled down his sides and in towards his belly until she reached his arousal. She encircled him and pumped him a few times. His answering groan was met with hers as she felt the first probe of his fingers against her. 

Letting go of his lips, she pushed back slightly and looked at him; she wanted him to see her, to know this was Kathryn and not someone else. She moved her hands back to his face, and waited until his gaze rested against hers. Never would she want there to be any regrets, and she needed to see his eyes to make sure that he didn’t regret this, that he wouldn’t regret this. 

“Chakotay,” she whispered as her gaze darted from his eyes to his lips and back again. She felt the Captain beating against the prison she’d been relegated to for a moment, but Kathryn pushed her back until she could no longer feel the Captain. 

“Kathryn,” he whispered, her name a prayer on his lips. “I love you.” 

Her eyes squeezed shut as another bout of tears welled up and dripped out the sides of her lids, clinging against her lashes. “I love you too.” 

As his lips caressed hers once more, she opened herself up to him. If this was to be her last night, with him, she would take it. To have at least the memory of fully loving him would be enough to keep her for years. At least, she desperately hoped so. This ending; this mattered more than anything else had ever mattered before. 

For hours, they laid together, making love and tearful revelations. Both knew that this was the end. Both knew that this changed nothing. But, finally, both knew the depth of their feelings for each other. Confessions were said in warm caresses, in moist kisses, in whispered moans and breaths against skin. Memories to last a lifetime were created and consecrated time and time again. 

Finally, in the early hours of the morning, he moved from her and dressed in silence. She had absently thought he would perhaps make a promise that he would only love her, but he didn’t, and for that she was grateful. She stood before him, unabashedly nude, her soul bare to him for one final time. His eyes licked a trail across her body and she trembled to touch him, but held back, knowing this was his farewell. She breathed him in deep as he moved to her one final time, and kissed her lips so tenderly a fresh wave of tears erupted behind her closed lids. She stood there, her eyes closed as he moved from her, and out into the room. Her breath caught and tears ran down her cheeks freely as the doors swished closed behind him with a quiet finality. 

 

 

-/\\-

 

The mess hall was decorated minimally, with white streamers and candles. A small buffet of appetizers was set across the counter. The crew milled around, chatting amiably amongst themselves as they waited impatiently for the groom to arrive. 

He walked into a round of applause and blushed furiously as he embraced friends and accepted congratulatory pats on the back. He moved to the head of the makeshift aisle and nodded at the captain in front of him. She smiled back at him, and he grinned at her. 

Suddenly the atmosphere of the room changed and everyone turned at once to see the beautiful bride walk through the door. She was dressed in a cream colored tea length dress, and her beautiful blonde hair caressed her neck in gentle waves. Her eyes landed on her husband-to-be and she smiled a beatific smile. His radiant grin lit up the entire room. She moved up the aisle to him, and took his outstretched arms, her eyes never leaving his. She leaned in slightly, pressed her lips to his, and the room burst in smothered giggles. 

“Seven, you’re supposed to wait until after the captain pronounces you husband and wife,” Tom quipped and everyone around him laughed out loud. 

The bride turned to him, her eyebrow raising slightly. “That plan seems inefficient.” She turned back to Chakotay and then to the captain. 

The captain raised her hands to quiet everyone down, and looked at the happy couple in front of her. And they did look happy. Maybe not as happy as they could have been, but most assuredly happy. 

She motioned for them to join hands and the couple turned towards each other and smiled. For a brief moment, the Captain felt Kathryn yell that this was wrong, but quickly pushed Kathryn back into the bottom of her mind, and the Captain started. 

“Friends, family, we are gathered here today, on this joyous occasion, to witness the joining of Chakotay and Seven in the bonds of holy matrimony. If there’s anyone here that objects to this joining, please speak now, or forever hold your peace.” 

Kathryn tried once again to yell out, but was finally fully pushed away. The Captain smiled. “Okay, let's do this, shall we?” 

Everyone smiled, and the happy couple was married. And with that Kathryn finally faded away, dragging the broken pieces of her heart with her, until only the Captain remained. 

 

The End.


End file.
